candor..

I like when people make PLANS with me because I know I’m not their last option of the night. I’m so sick of feeling like a last resort.

“I love because I was loved first.” I went to a Bible study session last Thursday night. I very much enjoyed it. I learned that the trinity, which is God, Jesus, and the holy spirit (if I correctly remember), are very different entities, but are equal in holiness. Therefore, they are one. It seems to me that this trinity is the power source of Christianity.. along with faith, I suppose. What I’m getting at is this trinity is the reason that love exists.. and I am thankful.

I am so conflicted. I grew up with the notion that God exists, but somewhere along the lines of my life I told myself that it’s impossible. How can some invisible spirit create a tangible world? A universe? What if Jesus was some crazy man who, today, would end up in an insane asylum? What if the Bible was just a super popular novel? It’s hard to believe what you cannot see. I guess that’s why they call it faith. The Bible says that God created man. But I believe man was descended from another organism. And then descended from a single cell. But where did the components of the cell come from? God? In reality, no one can TRULY know. Not a human on this Earth was around to see this “creation manifest in 7 days.” But, why does this even matter? Why does it matter where we came from or where we’re going? Curiosity? Fear? This isn’t to bash Christianity or to make claims that I am an Atheist. I am simply, probably very clearly to some, stating that I need to be educated. Here’s the thing: I WANT to be a Christian. I want to feel happy and believe that there’s a purpose for why I am living here on this Earth. I just can’t seem to wrap my head around it and I yearn for more information.

It’s a new year!… as of 2 days ago. :) I’m all kinds of excited about my future. The feeling of a fresh start is so wonderful! Anyways, I’ve thought of some resolutions:

1. Lose 10-15 pounds. I just want to look the best I can be and feel great about my body.
2. Not skip any classes. I’m not happy with my GPA. I feel like if I stop skipping classes and go to more office hours, I can increase it!
3. Get my priorities straight. School needs to come before anything else. I’m vowing right now that if my homework isn’t done.. I’m not partying.
4. Get my freakin license! I’m tired of feeling like a loser and a child, most of all.. dependent. =/
5. Do everything in my power to be happy :) Why choose to be anything else?

1. Listening to music
2. Hanging out with friends
3. The feeling after working out
4. Easy homework
5. Reading
6. Fountain coke
7. Sunshine
8. My mom’s hugs
9. People playing the guitar
10. Showers
11. Watching TV shows
12. Volunteering
13. Nikki and Haylee
14. Giving gifts
15. Being warm
16. Cuddling
17. Harry Potter
18. Twilight
19. Watching movies
20. Good hair days
21. Payday
22. Good timing
23. New panties
24. Awesome deals
25. Laughing
26. Getting good grades
27.   Getting drunk with friends
28. The feeling of accomplishment
29. Dates
30. Drumming
31. Good conversation
32. Interesting stories
33. Being loved
34. Museums
35. Dancing
36. Shopping
37. Nice people
38. Papa John’s pizza
39. Receiving money
40. Harry Potter game
41. Family
42. The ocean
43. Food
44. The smell of freshly cut grass
45. Watching the snow fall
46. Roller coasters
47. Hot tubs
48. Sun bathing
49. Watching Marching Bands perform
50. Sleep

 These are in no particular order but the order in which they came across my mind. I’ve composed this list to ensure myself that I can make myself happy. Happiness comes from within and I’m willing to dig deep. :)